These were... better when we were all kids, right? Is that just me? Is it that whole "things taste better when you're not allowed to have them and then when you grow up you realize they were trash all along" thing? Or did they actually change the recipe in the meantime?
The most immediately disturbing thing upon the very first bite, before you even get a chance to taste anything, is that these have the DISTINCT texture of fig newtons. Can't explain it. I swear they had the texture of your typical dry, cheap cookie when I was like ten, unless I'm completely misremembering because I didn't have them nearly often enough to build strong memories. My housemate tried one first, and exclaimed that it tasted like a fig newton, but then after trying to explain how, said in confusion that maybe it was the very spicy aftertaste of dinner just making their sweet-taste-sense completely off. When I later tried one (with a non-spicy mouth) I realized it was actually definitely the texture; that really soft resistant bite, the way it crumbles moistly when you chew it, just... very, very absolutely fig newton. When I suggested this they said in realization "yep that's the b*tch." Anyone else get that??? Is there something wrong with just our box?
Also, oh yeah, these just come dumped in a box. Which, yknow, that's fine, less wasteful packaging, they're in bitty serving-size packages anyway so it's not like it's just loose cookies, and I can just keep them in the box in the pantry. But if you *are* expecting to get something in which you would be able to display these, or keep them nicely sorted on your counter, yeah, nawh.
I will say the vanilla mini-cookies are the least... weird, as a completely different style of cookie they don't have the same texture issue, but they for sure have the "tasted better when I wasn't allowed them" issue. Very meh cookie, like the other flavors, unless you already know for sure that you're into them with your adult tastebuds.
Definitely wouldn't order these again. The flavors themselves are... fine, nothing spectacular, kinda vague and cheap, not bad per se, but god, that crumble. Maybe if you're a person who *likes* fig newtons you wouldn't have the same revulsion reaction that my housemate and I did, LMAO! If you don't already know you like them, I wouldn't bother, or maybe snag one from a work snack bar or vending machine to try them first. It's not worth returning and we did open a few of the packages to try them, so I'll just put the rest out in our snack bucket for delivery drivers, for anyone who likes them.
Three stars instead of one because despite the fact that I won't be eating them, I guess there's nothing really *wrong* with them other than that I just really do not like the style they apparently are. One star would I guess be if they'd made me sick, came with opened or faulty packaging that made them unsafe to eat at all, or had something dangerous in them, so do with that what you will. They're SAFE, just not GOOD.