I never imagined that I would find myself writing an essay-length review about something as mundane as tape, but here we are. If you’re reading this, you’re probably considering saving a few bucks by purchasing Amazon Basics Tape, a knock-off of the legendary Scotch Tape. Let me stop you right there. Seriously, don't do it. You’ll thank me later.
First off, let’s address the elephant in the room: Amazon, a trillion-dollar company with resources that most of us can’t even begin to fathom, has somehow managed to completely botch one of the simplest, most basic products known to humankind. Tape. Yes, tape. Something that’s been around for over 80 years, and Amazon still couldn’t get it right.
Let’s start with the packaging. When I received my package (ironically, from Amazon), I was excited to open it up and start using the tape. But my excitement quickly turned to frustration as I struggled to find the end of the tape. It was like trying to find a needle in a haystack, only the needle is invisible and the haystack is made of disappointment. After what felt like an eternity of scratching at the roll like a cat trying to escape a bath, I finally found the end—only to discover that it immediately split into a jagged, unusable mess. Great start, Amazon. Great start.
Once I managed to peel off a strip that didn’t look like it had been through a shredder, I tried to use it to wrap a gift. You know, the primary function of tape? You would think that would be a straightforward task. But no. The tape refused to stick to the wrapping paper. At first, I thought maybe it was just me. Maybe I had bought some sort of anti-tape wrapping paper by mistake. But no, it turns out the tape is just terrible. It’s like it has a personal vendetta against anything it’s supposed to adhere to. Wrapping paper? Nope. Cardboard? Nah. Plastic? Forget about it. I even tried using it on my skin (don’t ask why, I was desperate), and it barely held on for a few seconds before peeling off like it was made of rubber.
At this point, I began to wonder if this tape was designed as a joke. Maybe it’s a prank product, and the real tape is hidden inside the box, waiting for me to find it. But alas, there is no punchline. Just a roll of tape that might as well be a roll of very thin, very useless plastic.
The real kicker? This tape has the audacity to curl up on itself like it’s trying to avoid its own existence. You know what I’m talking about—the dreaded tape curl. It’s the bane of every tape user’s existence, and this tape takes it to a whole new level. I’ve spent more time trying to un-curl this tape than actually using it. It’s as if the tape is sentient and actively working against me. Maybe it’s trying to escape from being used, knowing full well that it’s completely unfit for the task.
I’ve tried to find some redeeming qualities in this tape, but there just aren’t any. It’s not even good for those random, “I just need a tiny piece to hold this together” moments. I tried using it to temporarily fix a ripped page in a book, and guess what? The tape didn’t stick to the paper. The tape didn’t even stick to itself. It’s as if it was coated in some sort of anti-adhesive. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s actively repelling anything it comes into contact with.
And let’s talk about durability—or the lack thereof. If you somehow manage to get this tape to stick to something (probably through sheer force of will), don’t expect it to last long. Within minutes, it starts to peel up at the edges, mocking you as it releases whatever it was supposed to hold together. It’s like the tape is saying, “Haha, you really thought I was going to do my job? Think again!”
In conclusion, I am genuinely baffled by how a company as massive as Amazon, with access to the best technology and resources in the world, managed to produce something this terrible. It’s almost impressive how bad this tape is. If you’re in need of tape, do yourself a favor and spend the extra dollar or two on the real thing. Scotch Tape, or any other brand for that matter, is worth its weight in gold compared to this sorry excuse for an adhesive product.
Amazon, if you’re reading this (and I know you probably are), please stick to what you’re good at—like delivering products quickly. Leave the tape-making to the professionals.
Would I recommend this tape? Only if you’re looking for frustration, disappointment, and a product that will fail at the one thing it’s supposed to do. Save yourself the hassle and avoid this tape at all costs. Your sanity—and your wrapping paper—will thank you.