Verbal Judo, Updated Edition: The Gentle Art of Persuasion

4.6 | 5,209 ratings

Price: 11.57

Last update: 01-10-2025

Top reviews from the United States

Laura De Giorgio

Down-to-earth practical and interesting to read

Reviewed in the United States on February 6, 2013

The author compares effective communication with martial arts, particularly judo, and illustrates his points through police stories, which makes the book both useful and interesting to read.

Throughout the book are interspersed quotes from Sun-tzu, like "To win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the highest skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the highest skill."

He distinguishes between 3 kinds of people: the nice, the difficult and the wimp. The nice people will do what you ask them the first time you ask them. They like to cooperate. Difficult people will not do what you tell them the first time you ask. It is their nature that makes them say "Why? What for?"

He adds that the 4 most popular questions Americans would ask are "Why?", "Who do you think you are to tell me what to do?", "Where do you get your authority?", and "What's in it for me?"

And wimps are the ones who sound like nice people, but are closet difficult people. To your face they say "Oh yes," "I agree," "You're right", but later they get you in the back. Wimps hate authority, but they don't have the guts to challenge you. They want revenge because they feel the need to even the score.

The first principle of physical judo is to not resist your opponent. Instead, move with him and redirect his energy - and the communication skills presented in the book follow the same pattern.

The author mentions 11 things never to say to anyone (some of these statements may be more applicable to policemen on duty): "Come here!", "You wouldn't understand", "Because those are the rules", "It's none of your business", "What do you want me to do about it?", "Calm down!", "What's your problem?" "You never ..." or "You always ...", "Im not going to say thing again", "I'm doing this for your own good", "Why don't you be reasonable?" He does clearly suggest what you may want to say or do instead, and also what you may want to say or do when someone else says those things to you.

The bottom line of communication that reduces conflict and tension is empathy - as in standing in another's shoes and understanding where he's coming from - and communicating with the person in a way that he can relate to. The communication warrior's real service is staying calm in the midst of conflict, deflecting verbal abuse, and offering empathy in the face of antagonism. If you cannot empathize with people, you don't stand a chance of getting them to listen to you.

The author points out that we deal with people "under the influence" nearly everyday. If it's not alcohol or drugs, it's frustration, fear, impatience, lack of self-worth, defensiveness, and a host of other influences - and that when we react instead of respond to the challenge, we run the risk of giving the greatest speech we'll ever live to regret, by saying the first thing that naturally comes to our lips.

Instead, like a samurai, we must first center ourselves - because if we cannot keep a still center, we cannot stay in control of ourselves or the situation. In this centered state we remain open, flexible, impartial, not biased.

To deflect antagonistic behavior, the author shares a selection of "strip phrases", where you let the other person verbally vent, followed by requesting what you need the person to do, as in "'Preciate that, sir, but let me see your license, please."

The next technique is "paraphrasing" by saying "Let me be sure I understand you. Let me be sure we're on the same wavelength." and then stating back what the person said, using his key words - as different words have different meaning to different people.

The goal of persuasion and the essence of Verbal Judo is to generate voluntary compliance. To execute it, the author suggests a 5 step process:
1. Ask the person what you want him to do
If he doesn't comply
2. Set Context by explaining why do you want him to do what you ask of him
If he doesn't comply
3. Present Options and point out the consequences of each option, then let him choose
If he doesn't comply
4. Confirm their choice by asking "Is there anything I can say or do at this time to earn your cooperation? I'd sure like to think there is."
And if he still doesn't comply
5. Act out the consequences of the choice the person made

The rest of the book teaches specific skills that help you to improve your ability to communicate and persuade. They begin with knowing yourself and the person you're talking to, using the language and the model of the world of the person you're talking to.

The author then shares five basic tools to generate voluntary compliance - listen, empathize, ask, paraphrase, and summarize.

You will also find examples of steps to solve domestic disputes, how to effectively criticize, how to obtain compliance through praise.
The author has provided examples both from police stories and those related to civilian issues.

Michael Lowder

EXCELLENT Book on Communication

Reviewed in the United States on March 15, 2024

My favorite book on safe, effective communication.
While other books share similar techniques, Thompson’s “boots on the ground” perspective surpasses other books that instruct on communication from a more academic or clinical perspective.
EXCELLENT read that will help bolster every aspect of your life!

CJGradStudent

Great material with lots of filler.

Reviewed in the United States on May 4, 2011

The purpose of this book is to train the reader to become a "communication samurai," as the author puts it, and to show how to get through to difficult people and persuade them to do what you want them to do. With a focus kept mostly on using the emotions of the situation to your advantage, Verbal Judo offers a number of specific techniques and advice on how to go about this in the real world. Topics discussed include a way to categorize people in regard to situations regarding persuasion, Verbal Judo vs. Verbal Karate, how to effectively use empathy to gain compliance, things never to say when trying to persuade someone, and many, many more.

The first of my favorites of the material found in this book is the categorization that Thompson presents as a tool to divide personality types in order to more effectively persuade them: the Nice Person, who rarely gives trouble and is almost always agreeable, the Difficult Person, who is willing to give you crap regardless of the situation, and the Wimp, who masquerades as a Nice Person, but is really a difficult person in disguise. Thompson states that Nice People are pretty straightforward, just make sure not to mistreat them and lose their loyalty. Difficult People are the people who must be given reasons to do what you ask, and account for the majority of the usefulness of this book. Last, the Wimp is by far the most dangerous, as they act agreeable, but then turn around and betray you when you're not looking. The best way to handle the Wimp, says Thompson, is to call them out publicly and watch them retreat to the safety of anonymity.

The next subject of particular interest is the sharp contrast between Verbal Judo and what Thompson refers to as Verbal Karate. In physical Judo the practitioner attempts to harness the energy and momentum of his assailant's attacks, and redirect them in order to render them harmless and ineffective. The goal is to ensure that no one, neither you nor your attacker, is harmed, but the situation is instead brought to a peaceful resolution. Verbal Judo is aimed at reflecting this method by utilizing the energy and momentum of the situation, then redirecting it in order to avoid harm to either side. On the other hand, physical karate is a strike-based method of defense that utilizes an assortment of counterattacks intended to use to best your opponent and win the confrontation. Karate is aimed at winning, where judo is aimed at reaching a peaceful end.

Certain ideas must be kept in mind in order to reach the goal of peaceful and productive resolution, especially that your opponent is likely to suffer a variety of types of emotional harm if you use Verbal Karate instead of Judo. She is likely to incur hurt feelings, or, more importantly, lose face. One of the best ways, Thompson states, to prevent yourself from gaining compliance from an individual is to embarrass them or cause them to lose face. When they feel powerful is ironically when they are most likely to do as you ask. What you must do is to allow them to feel however they desire, even to say whatever they desire (with certain exceptions that mostly involve bystanders), as long as they do what you say. Take whatever emotions they may be feeling and direct them toward your goal; resist the urge to counter them and beat them to submission.

The most powerful word in the English language, says Thompson, and also the cornerstone to Verbal Judo, is empathy. If you are capable of standing in another's shoes and showing them that you understand how they feel, indeed, that you would feel the same if you were in their situation, tension will be absorbed. When this tension has been effectively redirected, the person is much more likely to listen, and in turn, do as you ask. The key here is genuineness. If a person feels like you are fake, or are putting on an act in order to gain compliance (regardless of whether or not you actually are), the whole situation is likely to fall apart. You must convey to the person in question that you really get where they are coming from, and show them that you understand and accept their feelings.

There are many things we can say that can have a significantly negative impact on a situation in which we are trying to gain someone's compliance. Eleven examples of these are given in the book, and I will now list a few of my favorites. First, "come here" is used to get someone to voluntarily move herself to our location, but it ironically will come off to many as "go away." Authoritatively making demands is not often part of the practices of Verbal Judo, and will often work against you. A much more effective alternative would be something like "excuse me, could I chat with you a second?" Imply that the person has some level of choice, and she is more likely to comply.

The phrase "because those are the rules" is offensive to just about anybody for a number of reasons. It basically comes off as "regardless of the reason, you must comply with this because I am in charge of you." You are likely to be seen as insensitive, weak, irrational, and on a power trip. A practice that is infinitely more effective is to, whenever possible, offer an explanation whenever it is asked of you. If you can put things in context and perspective you are much more likely to gain understanding by allowing the person to save face.

My absolute favorite of the examples given in the book of what never to say to someone you are trying to persuade is "calm down!" If you want to alienate as many people as possible, and get people to do the opposite of what you ask, then throw this phrase around like you are handing out promotional fliers. This, above all of the other examples, will immediately cause a person to grow much less calm, and most likely will result in his passionate resistance of whatever you ask of him. A much more effective alternative would be to ask him a question along the lines of "what's the trouble?" Instead of appearing critical and putting him on the defensive, you are showing that you are on his team, and that you want to help.

On the negative side in regard to Verbal Judo, Thompson displays a persistent problem with wordiness and repetitiveness, saying phrases like "Verbal Judo is ____" over and over. It seems to me that he is either trying to bring the reader back to the underlying philosophy of the material in order to drive home his point, or he is simply trying to fill pages. An example of this can be found in most chapters, often in their beginnings or after giving examples.

Don't get me wrong, reminders and consistency are good, it just seems like the book could be made much more concise without losing any rhetorical quality or overall impact. In fact, I would wager a guess that this could be done by eliminating up to a third or maybe even a half of the words found in the book. This being said, this is not exclusively negative, in that Verbal Judo is one of the fastest 200+ page books that I have read, considering how much of the material can be skimmed or glazed-over.

While I wish that Verbal Judo was a little lighter in the chaff department, it is still what I consider to be a very good read, with material that could potentially help any and every law enforcement officer out there become better at his or her job. Until the publishers decide to put out a condensed Verbal Judo: Pocket Edition, I will continue to strongly recommend this book as my favorite entry in the "how-to-persuade" field, due to its many strengths, including above all its simplicity, straight-forwardness, and practicality-based ease of use and translation to the real world.

Billy M. Roberts

Totally great book

Reviewed in the United States on February 15, 2024

Super helpful and easy to use in everyday sistuations

KoaMan

Great book for guidance on dealing with difficult people

Reviewed in the United States on October 29, 2023

I bought this for my girlfriend's son who is having difficulty dealing with a co-worker. I browsed through it before giving it to him.

This book gives examples and suggestions on how to control conversations and ultimately getting a win-win situation. The author also has tips on diffusing verbal conflicts. with verbally abusive people.

The author's tips can be used in both personal and business relationships. Highly recommended.

Anthony Lee

Great product

Reviewed in the United States on April 19, 2024

Great product

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