The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars | 3,948 ratings

Price: 15.78

Last update: 12-18-2024


About this item

The most important issue in a gay man’s life is not “coming out”, but coming to terms with the invalidating past. Despite the progress made in recent years, many gay men still wonder, “Are we better off?” The byproduct of growing up gay in a straight world continues to be the internalization of shame, rejection, and anger - a toxic cocktail that can lead to drug abuse, promiscuity, alcoholism, depression, and suicide.

Drawing on contemporary psychological research, the author’s own journey, and the stories of many of his friends and clients, Velvet Rage addresses the myth of gay pride and outlines three stages to emotional well-being for gay men. The revised and expanded edition covers issues related to gay marriage, a broader range of examples that extend beyond middle-class gay men in America, and expansion of the original discussion on living authentically as a gay man.


Top reviews from the United States

  • TB
    5.0 out of 5 stars Insightful read for a gay audience
    Reviewed in the United States on July 30, 2010
    This book has a number of flaws, but it's a fantastic read for most gay males. The book is a rather depressing and honest look at how many gays can lead an unexamined life of self-filling misery, validation, shame avoidance, and entitlement that begins with shame from their childhood. Yet, despite that gay males participate in this spiral of shame avoidance, they rile against it and claim to be above it.

    I doubted the main thesis of the book, but the author quickly proves much of it. As a 30 year old gay male with some life experiences under his belt, I saw parts of it in myself. And, I see much of the book's lessons in my friends or my previous relationship. This is especially a great book for someone who has been unceremoniously dumped from what they thought was a good, functioning, growing relationship. Or, it's a great book for someone who was cheated on while in a good relationship. You shouldn't necessarily take the blame and this book tells you why.

    I don't think I would recommend anyone who is not sure about their sexuality to read the entire book. Likewise, I would have a hard time having a family member read it unless I guided them through some of it with discussions. It truly is an honest, difficult look at the development of many gay males and their behaviors.

    My one gripe with the book was that the last section on authenticity and honesty was too negative and not constructive enough. It almost makes it sound like this stage of life can only be achieved through a life of hard knocks. The book lays the ground work for getting to authenticity by facing your shame, taking responsibility for your actions, being completely honest, and self-examining oneself completely. However, the book presents very few cases of gay relationships where both men are truly authentic to themselves, their partners, and everyone else.

    Overall, a great read for any gay male that is ready to self-examine his development, behaviors, relationships, and life direction in an honest manner.
  • Phoenix2k
    5.0 out of 5 stars Great read
    Reviewed in the United States on October 22, 2024
    Great read
  • Alex Richardson
    5.0 out of 5 stars Wrestling with Queer Narcissism
    Reviewed in the United States on September 30, 2024
    Downs’ book provides profound diagnostic insights into why so many of us queer men are mired in soul-defeating narcissistic behaviors and relationships.
  • bee13
    4.0 out of 5 stars Peter Pan Grows Up
    Reviewed in the United States on October 30, 2015
    Psychologist Alan Downs's guide to authentic living for the gay male, "The Velvet Rage," is a valuable self-help tool for gay men struggling to break free from a life of insecurity, self-loathing, and shame.

    Downs argues that most gay men suffer from a toxic self-image, one that stems from shame. This deep-seated and long-enduring sense of shame inhibits us from being our most authentic selves. As a result, we develop theatrical tricks to hide our true selves, to avoid any honest emotional disclosure. In short, we become master dissemblers adept at the art of giving others what they want. All this comes at a horrible cost. Downs states, “…we must hide, presenting to the world a fabricated version of ourselves until the day that we are free to express our sexuality and step out of the closet of shame.” Downs explains in great detail how we ‘compensate for’ rather than ‘confront’ our shame. We become obsessed with out-performing others, worshipping physical beauty, and seeking out endless sexual opportunities.

    'Velvet rage’ emerges when these compensating strategies no longer work. Downs provides a lot of first-hand testimony from other gay men as to how these compensation tactics ultimately fail. For the most part, these testimonies do little to strengthen Downs' psychological arguments. They are too general and not always well-fitted to the topic at hand. Furthermore, Downs frequently repeats many of his points throughout the first three-quarters of the book.

    Downs's arguments could have stronger had he examined the roots of our toxic shame. Does it stem from feeling ‘different’ at an early age? Is it the fear of not fitting in? Is it internalized homophobia or fear of sex with men? Or is it the fear of being emotionally vulnerable with another man? Sadly, these questions are not addressed.

    Despites these omissions, "The Velvet Rage" is still a very enlightening read. The last quarter of the book is particularly helpful. Downs includes some very practical life tips, ‘Skills for Living an Authentic Life.' Each skill is succinctly presented in a short paragraph and then explained in greater detail. Even the titles themselves contain wisdom: 'Inner peace above all else,` ‘Contentment over approval,’ ‘Accept reality on reality's terms,' ‘Walk your way out of distress,' ‘Embrace ambivalence,’ ‘Default to forgiveness.'

    While “The Velvet Rage" lacks depth in some areas, it also sheds light on why we ‘behave’ the way we do. With his practical skills section, "The Velvet Rage" can be a helpful therapy guide for the gay man. Understanding is the first step towards self-acceptance and Dr. Alan Downs has helped us recognize the face in the mirror.

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