Being at Your Best When Your Kids Are at Their Worst: Practical Compassion in Parenting

4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars | 92 ratings

Price: 9.77

Last update: 02-15-2025


About this item

When children are at their most difficult and challenging situations arise, how can we react in a way that reflects our family values and expectations? Often, when children "push our buttons", we find ourselves reacting in ways that are far from our principles, often further inflaming a situation.

When our children are at their worst, they need us to be at our best - or as close to it as we can be. Educator and family counselor Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting, offers techniques that simply and directly shift these damaging patterns in communication and parental behavior. These grounded and practical strategies will help you: slow down the interaction; be more in control of your reactions; open up a much wider range of helpful responses; sense what your child's deeper needs are even though they are misbehaving; and respond in a way that gives your child a feeling of being heard and still puts a boundary in place.

Payne's meditative approach can be done anywhere, anytime; it lifts you out of old, unwanted patterns of action-reaction and prepares you so that the voice you speak with is closer to the parent you want to be. His concrete and simple techniques can help you, and your children, be at your best, even in the most challenging of times.


Top reviews from the United States

  • _Kvill
    5.0 out of 5 stars Really enjoyed this book!
    Reviewed in the United States on May 31, 2023
    Great, practical, applicable advice. I'm glad I bought it!
  • Acupuncture practitioner
    5.0 out of 5 stars Buy this book!!!
    Reviewed in the United States on January 11, 2020
    What a gift this book is! So concise, helpful and brilliant. I own all of Kim John Payne’s books and this one is my favorite to date!
  • CNH
    4.0 out of 5 stars Good book for the average family but doesn't account for attachment or emotional issues
    Reviewed in the United States on August 23, 2019
    I received an advanced copy of this book for review.
    There are a lot of nice things about this book. The writing style is easy and conversational. There are plentiful examples and stories to keep you engaged and interested. There are plenty of educational facts to draw on and apply in your life. Before becoming an adoptive family, we were encouraged to examine not only our own familial upbringing and how it influenced our personality, but also our planned and current parenting. How to see our impact on our children and how our behavior influences them. All the things targeted to adoptive parents before becoming parents are contained in this book and directed to normal, average families. And the result for a normal, average family should be spectacular if you take the lessons to heart and actively apply them. I have experienced that success myself for the last 12 years.
    HOWEVER
    There is no accommodation in this book for those children who have attachment issues. The information within is presented as A + B = C always, and ALL children will respond well to these approaches when that simply is not the case. A child with Reactive Attachment Disorder or Oppositional Defiance Disorder will chew this up and spit it out without blinking an eye. No, NOT every child is looking at their parent with loving eyes -- some of these children have a Mommy hole that is so broken into bits that normal parenting approaches just cause them to feel less secure and more destructive.
    Yes, these approaches work wonderfully with my attached children, and I would encourage any parent with a fairly normal family that wants to take it up a notch to give this a spin. As a dutiful parent I don't read the book and say, "Yay, I knew/do that" but actually "Yay! Am I doing that enough or as well as I can be?" I realize this book is not targeted to parents of children with deep behavioral issues but as a parent dealing with daily, serious, destructive behavioral challenges, my fear is that a parent in my shoes would read this book and feel even more guilt and responsibility than already heaped on them by society. I understand that silver bullets are needed to sell books but a simple nod to the fact that children are not all the same would have been appropriate and appreciated.
  • - Collyn Brown
    5.0 out of 5 stars Life changing
    Reviewed in the United States on September 5, 2019
    Absolutely wonderful. I’m so so grateful for this book, this approach and these practices are profoundly helpful.
  • Jami Lilo
    5.0 out of 5 stars A Comprehensive Guide to Calming Down and Re-evaluating
    Reviewed in the United States on August 16, 2019
    This is a relatively short parenting book that is packed with tools on how to react differently as a parent to stop escalating problems within the family. It is heavy on the metaphors and quite frankly I found it off-putting - "get on the balcony" what? Oh, I'm supposed to step back and observe. Just say that - why so many catch phrases? - BUT obviously I liked the content enough to keep the five star rating. Why? Although you'll have no idea what is in the book from the table of contents - Derailments over and over - so I'll let you know here. The author, Kim John Payne, M. ED, uses a combination of personal experiences, other parents experiences, and observations as an educator. I particularly loved that he also went to marketing towards kids seminar to observe how they sell to kids and parents - good job going the extra mile. The book takes a quick look at parenting styles from the past to current and the effect it's had on generations. For me, the parts where he gives examples of what parents are doing wrong were particularly gut wrenching because I had to admit I was guilty of the charges in making my kid's situations and behaviors worse. Uck, what a bummer and hard to look at - but I so appreciate the cold reality of what I was doing that made my kids act worse. SO, here's the good news if you're still with me. The second half of the book is full of how to calm your jets down, unpack your own personal baggage, and be able to be a more compassionate and therefore engaging and empowering parent.

    There is so much covered in this book and it's in digestible and applicably pieces, but I had to dog ear pages and go back a few times to what stood out for me. The author covers things like what you should do by following your moral compass versus what society is doing - ie I don't want my kids having a phone, but everyone else in their classroom has a phone. It covers your expectations and your own issues with your parents that you may be offloading onto your kids. He dives into rage, how your body feels in the moment, and breathing into a more peaceful parenting atmosphere.

    I'm a believer in meditation and visualization, so these parenting tools fit into my arsenal. Like I said previously, I requested the book because I was at my wits in butting heads with my youngest and I'm thankful I've been able to step on to the "balcony" and breathe before responding which has de-escalated some of our stand-offs. With school just starting it's a welcomed relief to witness my son's joy and happiness and less stress as he starts to navigate first grade. So thank you Kim John Payne, M.Ed for providing solutions that work if the parent is willing to take responsibility for their part in a messy relationship.
  • USAF Veteran
    5.0 out of 5 stars There are so many additional helpful tips than just the compassionate response practice
    Reviewed in the United States on January 29, 2020
    This book helped me find me zen. Before this book, I found myself disciplining my son in ways that left me regretting my actions at the end of the day. This book has changed me. I now discipline my son in a calm and orderly way. I cannot remember the last day that I regret. Even once I had finished reading the compassionate response practice chapters, I encountered more and more enlightenment and things that clicked in regards to parenting. For example, the author explains that you have unlimited compassion when your kid is sick with a fever. You hold them close and cuddle them. You can use this same approach for an emotionally fevered kid by using "strong heart arms."
    Part One seems to heavily lean on the idea that you have unresolved issues from your childhood. I know that the parenting techniques I was using that made me regretful were not the techniques my parents used. I do not believe my past was the cause of my issues.
    I believe Part Three should go first. It is encouraging to read about the success and transformation that can occur. It is more motivating to then take the meditative approach and explore the compassionate response practice.
    All in all, I plan on lending this to friends so they can read it as well, but I want it back in case I want to reference it!
  • Cindy Patrie Kahn
    3.0 out of 5 stars Amazon delivered a dirty new book
    Reviewed in the United States on September 6, 2019
    The book is great, however Amazon delivered it with a very dirty and smudged cover.

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