Wilson’s memoir is engaging, earnest and somewhat frenetic. It is filled with insight, research, grace, near-constant searching and moments of hard-won wisdom. Wilson mentions anxiety, depression, mania and obsessive compulsive disorder. She states that bipolar disorder was diagnosed, but she feels that anxiety is at the root of the debilitating spirals of panic, insomnia and propulsive activity. The label is perhaps not as important as Wilson’s willingness to explore her own dark places in order to find wholeness, solid ground and peace. The journey is circuitous and tangled. Wilson ratchets up and careens down, when seemingly innocuous triggers prompt her anxiety. Her life is depicted as an endless series of painful attempts to corral her fears into a manageable framework that will allow her to live happily. Wilson is buffeted by moods, indecision, frequent travel and a jittery, palpable unease. The book will resonate best with anyone who wrestles with the devastating impact of mental illness. I truly empathize with Wilson’s struggles. She finds meditation, exercise and learning to sit with her discomfort to be invaluable tools for healing, instead of the impulsivity, perpetual change and a pervasive desire to flee whenever anxiety becomes intolerable. Wilson also realizes that age and time give her greater perspective on how to ride out her relentless worry episodes. She finds more balance and self-acceptance, and is able to dwell with her anxiety when it arises, rather than just trying to eradicate it. My issue with the book is in Wilson’s admissions of sometimes deliberately courting her anxiety. She admits to liking the “drama” of it all. It has perhaps become a source of energy and identity that is both as familiar, as it is disabling. At one point, Wilson mentions being awake for several days at a time at the height of her anxiety. Certainly, protracted periods without sleep can bring on mental fragility. If one stays awake as long as Wilson contends, then deterioration of acuity and function would subsequently occur as a result. With significant sleep loss, mental and physical impairment would be expected. Because Wilson’s anxiety is so prevalent, it would seem that a strong desire for rest and calm would squelch any behaviors that exacerbate it. Wilson clearly wants to understand her complicated relationship with anxiety, and she succeeds, but perhaps sometimes it serves her too, for the surge of emotional intensity that it provides. It’s that duality that can make the book frustrating, but still an interesting read.
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Linae