In Why You Do the Things You Do Drs. Tim Clinton and Gary Sibcy outline what they see as the secret to healthy relationships. Beginning with the premise that humans have been created for relationship, they give an overview of four distinct relationship styles and consider how they play out in the context of important types of relationships.
The first style is the type that is desired--the secure relationship style. Individuals who relate this way are both capable and confident; they have a great sense of self-esteem, respect the feelings of others, expect to be respected, and are trusting. This does not mean they will not encounter conflicts; rather, it ensures that the inevitable conflict is handled properly, leading to relationship growth. Secure relationship styles can be fostered through emotion coaching, teaching self-awareness, and cultivating developmental focus. Children are best taught the secure relationship style by seeing it lived out in the lives of their parents.
The avoidant style is discussed next. Those who relate this way are not trusting of others in a relationship and hinge their self-worth on personal success. God created man for intimacy, but avoidant people fear getting close to another person. In response to soul wounds of the past, they have built up walls to avoid hurt by avoiding close relationships. They have difficulty showing sensitivity to those they are close to, don't like talking about their past, and are often turned off by physical touch. Generally, they revolve their life around the belief that they are the only person they can rely on to meet their needs and deny the necessity of relationships with others.
The ambivalent style is a bit more trusting than the avoidant, but is still characterized by low self-esteem and the belief that others cannot be unconditionally trusted. This style can be cultivated through inconsistent parenting, such as when parents withhold affection or overprotect. These relaters seek out a strong protector to care for them but instead of this being a secure relationship they believe it to be contingent on pleasing the other person. Ambivalent relaters are terrified of showing their emotions for fear that their protector figures will run away.
The final relationship style is disorganized. These types of people hold a negative view of themselves and others, and often fluctuate inconsistently between the first three styles. Disorganization of this kind usually results from some sort of childhood abuse and tends to become cyclical, with the individuals raising their own families abusively. Because of how they grew up, they see abuse as familiar and tend to dissociate themselves from their pain.
Clinton and Sibcy then turn to an evaluation of these relationship styles as they play out in the three major relationships in an individual's life--relationship with God, spouse, and children. They explicitly reiterate what was implied in the first half of the book, positing God as a safe haven even when there is no other. One's relationship with God should be primary, and a secure relationship with God will help foster secure relationships with other people even amidst tragedy. This relationship will not come naturally and must be longed for and worked at, but it represents the foundation for all other relationships and must therefore be secure in order to provide support for the others.
They key to working towards a secure relationship will come through evaluating one's past and understanding the need for healing. Then, by reframing the story into its proper perspective, healing can begin. When one realizes one's worth as a child of God, it should provide the necessary sense of self-worth to allow the repair of other relationships. To do this requires empathizing with others and seeing the world from their perspective. The secret to healthy relationships ultimately lies in the Biblical advice to love one's neighbor as oneself. Perhaps the seminal work on relationships, Clinton and Sibcy's work is a must read for those trying to understand their relationships with others.
Charity
Darrell L. Stetler II
Joshua Olds
Michele
